6. Parting swipes – It’s almost impossible these days to sign for a club and be genuinely gracious to your dearly departed. Even those who act respectful after the fact have usually spent the best part of two years striking or claiming to have been horsewhipped in the back of a merchant vessel in 18th century Africa. Such is the hideous awfulness of being a feted twenty something millionaire that upon leaving one club for another it is now mandatory to take some kind of parting shot at your former club, or it’s fans or, failing that, the closest rival of your new employers. New fans are always amazing of course and infinitely better than old fans, and it’s important to stress how much this new fan amazingness was crucial in your decision to move. And not, of course, a better chance of regular playing time or a whole industrial water tank full of money. Footballers really do love their fans. As long as they’re the new fans they haven’t played for yet. This is particularly prevalent if a(nother) player signs for Manchester City, whereupon it’s stipulated firmly in their contract that they must mention that all the football fans in Manchester support them, and not the evil, declining, Surrey based United. Failure to do this will result in the collective shunning of said player, and the whole of Eastlands will turn their backs on them…..erm…..or something.
Probability of a player making an unnecessary parting shot at his former club and/or gratuitous brown nose to his new – 10
7. Last minute cramming – Like a spotty teen the night before an exam or a hungover blog writer the last couple of hours before a deadline, it’s crucial that half the clubs in the footballing world leave all of their business to the very last minute. More wheeler dealing is done on the last day of the window than on any other, as if a whole section of management thought there was probably something really important to do during the summer, if only they could remember what it was, but that if it was really that important someone would have told them by now. Some clubs seem to buy players on this day merely for the amusement of doing so, or because everyone else is, rather than because they actually need that player. This is Harry Redknapp’s favorite day of the year. It is also Arsene Wenger’s most feared, which is why he usually spends it cowering in a cupboard with his hands over his ears until it goes away.
Probability of more deals being done on the last day than any other – 10
8. Inappropriate Ink – For reasons that completely escape me and the majority of the civilized world, a very specific type of football fan exists for whom the tattooing of footballers on their person is the highest form of art. Many have gotten club emblems, trophies and legends of yore etched into their epidermis, but to these special, champions of man, this is not enough. The greater art lies in the unwavering certainty of the future. Footballers have a fantastic track record of loyalty, as we all know, and so the painful permanent inking of your favorite current player in full current kit is no way at all a fool hardy errand to embark on. Nope. Just ask the man who had Andy Cole tattooed on his arm in a full Newcastle strip, or the even more heroic man who had Kaka tattooed over his heart whilst the rumors of a proposed move to City were still days away from Gary Cooke cussing his dad. Should these people be admired, ridiculed or studied in laboratories? What makes them tick? Who knows? But they probably shouldn’t be allowed to breed.
Probability of someone getting a tattoo of a new signing – 6 (but 9 if it’s at Newcastle or Manchester City)
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9. Hijackings, real or pretend – Ever since pirating stopped being all about big cool ships and swinging on ropes and started being about scary men with automatic machine guns on speed boats with far less interesting hats, hijacking has become less fun. In football however, it still retains some modicum of entertainment and can often provide the big talking point in a transfer window. Who can forget Robinho’s sudden unexpected move to City when shirts baring his name were already being bought by Chelsea fans (and most probably burned, see No.5.) Hijacking usually involves the bigger clubs but more often than not involves no one at all, and is simply invented as a ruse by a cunning agent to strengthen his clients bargaining position. Arsenal and Manchester United have been on standby to hijack every single transfer this summer, like fiendish Scarlet Pimpernels hiding out at an airport arrival gate, but have so far failed to do so. Probably because they weren’t actually going to in the first place.
Probability of a club hijacking another club’s transfer – 5
Probability of a journalist/agent/internet rumor mill saying a club are going to hijack another club’s transfer – 10
10. Crushing disappointment – If all the other variables are, erm, variable (even the ones I’ve confusingly giving a probability of 10) then the one thing that’s constant, assured and solid gold plated as fact is that the majority of fans will be left disappointed by the transfer window. Transfer windows are like most things in life, or even life itself. We all have lofty dreams, hopes and aspirations, but most of us, bar the exceptional few, never see them fulfilled. And in the end we settle, bitterly writing sarcastic articles about football, jaded and curmudgeoned at the ripe old age of 27. (Oh God!) Across the leagues, if you’re not a fan of the top dogs, you’ll likely have lost, or lose your best players to them. The most you can hope for is a decent bargain journeyman, a promising youth prospect or Robbie Keane to fill their place. Many clubs are broke or going so, and even if you’re a Villa, Arsenal or Spurs, proud historic clubs with legacy and little chance of going under, your chances of buying players as good as the ones you’ve lost (or look like losing) look slight. Even with the money. Even if you’re United, reigning champions and with millions already spent, chances are there’ll be a few who groan at the possible failure to sign a superstar after being linked with so many. Liverpool fans should be happy, and a few other clubs here and there, but in the end, the mega rich Decepticons of City & Chelsea aside, most clubs and fans will be happy to see the window close, so we get just back to the football. Sweet, lovely football. Well, until January.
The article was written by Oscar Pye-Jeary for FootballFancast.com. Make sure to check out the latest news, blogs and podcasts at FFC – ed.
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