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[Parody] The Brendan Tapes ft Suarez, Jose & Brad

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Melwood officeTHIS columnist*, at great personal risk and tremendous personal expense, has managed to pay a certain member of the Liverpool training staff to plant a listening device in Brendan Rodgers’ office in time for the much anticipated ‘talk’ with Luis Suarez.

As an added bonus that we had not anticipated, the gaffer also had enlightening sit-downs with Jose Enrique, and Brad Jones. Here, in an exclusive, is what was said:

BR: So Luis, I’ve asked you here today to talk over your wantin’ t’ leave in the transfer window. You know we’ve had a few nibbles from Arsene over at Arsenal. Did ye notice how both those names start with Arse? Hehe.

LS: They start with A’s, not R’s and no, I deed not see. So, quanta, how much they pay?

BR: Their latest offer was around 40 million pounds, and a muzzle clause.

LS: They don’t want me to talk to the press?

BR: No. That’s not quite it. Anyway, we’ve turned them down.

LS: But they have offered me so much money and they will be in the Champions League and the FA Cup. That is where great players like me belong.

BR: But they will LOSE the Champions League, and the Premiership, and the FA cup, and every other trophy they contend for: it’s history.

LS: Luis is not historical, just a little, how you say, animoso – spirited. So, how about Real Madrid? That’s the team I want to sink the teeth into from the beginning.

BR: We think that, now that they have moved Higuain to Napoli, they will be calling about you.

LS: And what you say about Luis?

BR: We will not settle for less than 100 million pounds plus Cristiano Ronaldo’s earrings, his car and his girlfriend. Steven gets the car, Raheem gets the girlfriend and I get the earrings. They will counter with £42 million plus the girlfriend. We will go as low as £48 million and the earrings.

LS: Sounds apropriado to me. Do they have tabloids? I hate tabloids. They are the reason I have to leave Liverpool to play in the Champions League.

BR: Hmm. By the way, you’ve got something in your teeth.

LS: I am not dropping, I mean falling, for that one again. Good sense of humour. I see you have been practicing. I have to practice missing goalposts now. I see Jose in the outside waiting. You want I sent him in? Si?

BR: All right. See you later. Mañana.
[ad_pod id=”unruly-video” align=”center”]
(Jose Enrique comes in)

JE: You want to see me boss?

BR: Yes. You know we are actively looking for a right-back?

JE: I think you mean left, no?

BR: So you think you know the system better than I do?

JE: No boss, it’s just that the papers . . .

BR: Papers! Do you believe everything that’s in those scandal sheets? Do you believe everything they’ve written about Luis?

JE: Only the bitey thing, and he didn’t leave a mark . . .

BR: I have noticed you get caught in possession quite often. Why haven’t you, for example, picked out my boy, Joe, more often when you are coming out of our end?

JE: I can’t see him. Sometimes I see his legs though. And his head, unless an elbow or knee is in the way. When he jump very high I can see a little hair . . .

BR: Well I want you to pass to him whenever you can against Melbourne. Now send in Brad.

JE: The tall man with the coffee stains on his shirt? Okay.

(The sound of a door closing behind Enrique followed by the sound of cursing and a rattling doorknob. Someone enters.)

BJ: Damn gloves. Can’t get them off.

BR: Brad, how did you get that coffee all over your jersey?

BJ: The cup keeps slipping out of my hands, and then, when I try to clean it up, I keep dropping the paper towels.

BR: That is actually what I called you in for.

BJ: My inability to hold on to anything bigger than an idea?

BR: No, son, your personal hygiene. Even now, I see you have something in your teeth.

BJ: That’s your Luis joke, sir. I try to brush every morning but the toothbrush slips out of my hands and then I squeeze the toothpaste too hard and it squirts though my fingers. I go to wash my hair and I can’t get the top off the shampoo so I try using plain soap instead but you can imagine how that works out.

BR: Have you considered getting your wife to help?

BJ: Dani’s really more of a striker than a goaltender.

BR: I mean with your problems in the bathroom.

BJ: Who told you about those? It’s down to a trickle but the doctor says . . .

BR: I meant with the shampooing and all.

BJ: I will ask her but I doubt that she’ll be too keen. She won’t want to break a nail.

BR: Well, do what you can. Go work on scrambling around on your hands and knees. Could you send in Stewart Downing?

BJ: Could you help me with this door handle?

At this point, the power went off. As part of an austerity program, all Australians must be in bed by 9pm in the winter time to conserve electricity. The power goes off in each time zone in sequence and Australians must rely on their comforters and kangaroo skins to keep warm.

Being of English ancestry, Australians are allowed no conjugal activity other than a monthly Tilly Dally named in honour of Waltzing Matilda Dally of 14 Dowager Street, The Downs, Adelaide whose story may be the subject of a future article.

*I hope you found this article with the humour it was intended. Please don’t send for Jen Chang – it didn’t really happen…

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Retired High School English teacher. Coached high school football (soccer) and basketball. Played football (soccer) in high school and at university. Live in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada with my wife and 2 cats. Have been a Liverpool fan since we started receiving broadcasts in Canada. Love to golf and read Terry Pratchett.

12 comments

  • ferdia says:

    Yaaaaawnnn . Not funny !

  • allaboutanfield says:

    sorry i do not find tis article amusing

  • roythered says:

    Boy, do you have some time on your hands.

  • mctunzzy says:

    Smiles…….quite interesting,I love the Suarez and Enrique’s part…… Let ur imagination soar on pal….. Creativity is a good thing….. Articles like dis are needed at times especially after long period of boring speculation about who’s to be sold and who’s to be bought…….kip it up. But, please don’t ever talk about Downing’s request for a special glasses so that he can see the goalpost and other team mates When he couldn’t get a goal and a single assist in his first season at Liverpool…. Don’t know why he’s yet to be sold……..YNWA

  • Tommy says:

    I agree with the above 3 . Find a new hobby fritz and stop wasting people’s time please

  • mctunzzy says:

    My comment is Awaiting moderation since when?????????? This is serious….. U need to sort out something on dis site. Its quite annoying but I won’t call it Rubbish.

    • Fritz says:

      I didn’t even know it was moderated – thank you for your comments and observations but I think I’ll stay away from satire since many people who comment here seem to be so anal these days (I wonder if ‘anal’ will be moderated). Cheers.

      • Casey says:

        Don’t try and blame the readers . You wrote a piece that was poorly written , uninteresting and clearly not funny or witty at all .

  • allaboutanfield says:

    You are most welcome . 🙂

  • Finn says:

    Did a 7 year old write this ?

  • TaintlessRed says:

    I liked the Cristiano, girlfriend, earrings negotiations. Envious of Raheem there, he definitely got the best deal!

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