Gary Neville and the Giant Pencil

The most exciting and noteworthy occurrence came on Monday with the explosive debut of a new and promising addition to the English footballing establishment, whose name may already be widely known, but was never the less a pulsating and fascinating presence to watch in his new environment. By now there can surely be no doubt who talking about, it is of course, Gary Neville, making his tentative bow as the co-anchor of Monday Night Football, accompanied by a giant pencil.

The beardless wonder had already made an appearance as an uncomfortable spread legged pundit on Sunday, literally next to Jamie Redknapp, but on the Monday he was unleashed as the heir to Andy Gray, the D’Artagnan to Gray’s Porthos, set free to swashbuckle his way around the giant spaceship control room Sky broadcast from on MNF, his sword replaced, naturally, by the aforementioned giant pencil.

He started off with a hint of awkwardness, fiddling nervously with his big pencil (not a euphemism, though I’m sure it would’ve been had Richard Keys still been anchoring) as Andy Gray no doubt bellowed at his television screen in frustration, his fingers twitching around a Ryman’s HP in empty, desperate longing, in the way an ex-smoker grasps a substitute in those early, will power testing days. But he soon picked up his stride and allayed any fears of partisanship by openly admiring the strengths of the Manchester City attack. He did this by moving some e-checkers around an e-Subbuteo pitch (with his e-pencil) and talked confidently and professionally of Swansea’s open attacking style despite his co-presenters erstwhile attempts to throw him off by comparing The Swans with Barcelona without cracking a smile.

By half time the Nevster was in full flight, abandoning the safety of his big pencil to massage a giant touch screen wall television that resembled some kind of microwave oven come iPad thing, and fiddled with a pointless looking rotating key with just the right amount of believability to convince us he was actually doing it, and not some bod-techs behind the scenes.

Full time brought his sternest test however, as he was charged with the task of interviewing Roberto Mancini and, still stranded literally meters from his desk and the comfort blanket of his big silly pencil, he was momentarily left all at sea as the words “Roberto, it’s Gary Neville” produced a baffled, unimpressed silence from the Italian. A hugely awkward pause and an embarrassing nervous laugh later and he regained his feet to ask some banal but serviceable questions about link up play before it was back to the desk to sign off, and fiddle some more with his inherited but now fully deserved giant pencil.

All in all it was a solid debut. No nonsense and straight to the point, and despite some dodgy periods here and there, he held it together to see out the win. Much like in his playing days. And after mulling over the potential of Gary Neville’s Big Pencil as both a pub team & prospective third album name, (and a mildly fruitful, but ultimately rather pathetic attempt to get #GaryNevillesBigPencil trending on Twitter) I relaxed in grateful reassurance that the football season was finally back, and in safe hands. And so was the giant pencil.

The article was written by Oscar Pye-Jeary for FootballFancast.com. Make sure to check out the latest news, blogs and podcasts at FFC – ed.

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